Wednesday, 09 November 2005

• This is officially considered "private", but only by means of being forgotten. If you're a wandering nomad, my "public" xanga is www.xanga.com/unwantedattention . This happens to be an older one of mine that I decided to refurbish.

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  I'll be 16 in less than three days. It hurts to look back and know that I have been this way for three years now. It's painful to look at how much things have changed for the better, and then realize that you're falling back again.

  I'm worried about myself- very worried. If some one else I knew was experiencing what I am right now, I'm not sure I could pick up on it. My parents notice things off and on, but they don't take it as any real detriment anymore because, 'Hey! I'm better!"

  Body image and self-esteem varies with each class period, each hour, and even each minute. Did I ever really have such a problem with my body image? I always knew deep down that I was pretty, but I never had the confidence that was required to display it properly.

  With dance, I look back on last year and all of the problems I had with sucking were associated with my lack of confidence:
  --> Semester 1~ Triggered by inexperience
  --> Semester 2~ Triggered by people making me feel like SHIT.

  This year in dance, I'm doing much better than before because I am now:
  A. More experienced
  B. Perfectly fine with the fact that I'm crazy and silly
  C. Surrounded by people who embrace my unique..uhm..'qualities'.

  Unfortunately, I've been letting body image kill me in and outside of school. I don't particularly act like my body bothers me when I don't have a choice about displaying it, but when I do, I choose to shy away from skin. When I don't have a choice, like in the locker room, and with soccer, I act like I'm fine, but inside I'm screaming, "Holy crap, how did she get that skinny? Is anyone looking at me? Gah!"

  I know all of this is silly. Of course I do. I'm usually the one helping everyone else with the same stuff. Although I know how to handle it for others, I can't handle it for myself. An anorexic can't talk themselves out of not eating very easily; I can't help myself in any way until I decide to ask some one else.

  At this point, I'm hoping things will turn around because I don't have any options. I thought things were turning around with soccer, but they're not- not in the way I thought they were.

  You see, I was getting better, and so were my relationships with all of my former best friends. Unfortunately, all of my former best friends are only best friends with each other, and that makes it okay to talk trash about me and treat me like I'm below them, right? I feel sorry for Coach Scott; he doesn't know how to deal with girl drama. It's not necessarily 'girl drama', it's just bitch fighting, and I'm sick of everyone being so immature about it.

   

  In school, I have to deal with the 4 stooges

  1. Nick Yebra- We get along fine when there's no one else around...or any of his stooges, but when they are, he's such a jerk to me. I've gotten to the point where it's just annoying immaturity, but the response from the others is what hurts.
  2. Stephen Criger- He's hated me since last year in homeroom. He doesn't even know me, yet he treats me like shit. How is that fair?
  3. Brian Kennedy- I don't know how everyone thinks he's so funny. Yes, he drips with sarcasm, but has anyone ever thought of the result of that? I'm always the butt of his sarcasm, and no one ever defends me. I honestly think he's the worst. He makes fun of me in math because I have simple questions; half the time he asks the same questions I do. He thinks he's so incredibly brilliant, but he's just an asshole with a sarcastic bitch slap.
  4. Davis Dudley- I've known this kid since 3rd grade. We were decent friends then, but he's always been part of the 'In Crowd'. We were friends in middle school, but after that, the line was drawn. Now he treats me the same as the others do- at least whenever they're listening.

  The worst thing about it all is that they're the biggest lot of hypocrites I've ever met. So in touch with God and "the message of Jesus" that they think they're right. They think they're just funny, but the stuff they say hurts. I know this is so elementary, but this is the kind of stuff people talk about as bullying. I have no options here. In Algebra II, Mr. Herring is so oblivious and gullible; it drives me crazy. On the other hand, there's Mrs. Reynolds, who sees right through them, but rolls her eyes half the time because she's so sick of them.

  Here's how my day goes with them being involved.

  1. Dance- no involvement
  2. Homeroom- Criger. Thankfully, I don't have to put up with his shit cause he hovers in the corner w/ Josh looking at skateboarding magazines.
  3. World Literature with Mrs. Reynolds- Criger, Brian, and Nick. The worst combination; let us not forget Ryan, either.
  4. Chemistry- Nick, Nick Coleman, Mikey Przy., Matt Newcome. Getting those 4 together is nothing compared to Brian and them, but it's annoying enough.
  5. Algebra II w/ Mr. Herring- By far the worst class of the day. Mr. Herring is as gullible as a 5 year old believing that a nickel is worth more than a dime because it's bigger. Criger, Nick, Davis, Brian, and then go ahead and throw in Chris McClosky, who I used to be pretty damn good friends with. I don't even wanna think about this class.
  6. World History- Pedro is in here, which is always an issue, but I'm better with it now. Wally is the one who makes me wanna scream, but I have class and ignore it. Thankfully, Brian doesn't bother me, but everyone still thinks he's amazing.
  7. Latin w/ Dr. Buff- I'm so sick of how Luis treats him. I'm sick of Luis' crude & offensive comments. Thankfully, the others in there agree that he is louder than a foghorn, so I'm not alone in my annoyance.
  8. School Bus- Griffin. Nick Shmal. Adam. Lauren[who, btw, never talks to me anymore]. The snobby freshmen. The funny freshmen. As one will notice, I only have about 5 little freshmen to keep me company, and even them I'm exposed to harsh ridicule because that's just the way they are.

  I sound so pathetic, I really do. If anyone does read this, let me know what you would think I look look after reading this. I'm curious what my feelings say about me.

   

  --> Where do you go when the only way you can go is down?

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